Friday, November 29, 2013

Two daddies explain where babies come from

Daughter: Daddy and Dada

Dada: I am Dada, and he's Daddy.

Daughter: Sowwy. Daddy. Dada.

Daddy: Good girl.

Daughter: Can you tell me where babies come from?

Daddy: Well, you came Fed-Ex.

Dada: But Special Delivery, though.

Religious Doctrine is Nonsense, you say?

How can I believe in such patent nonsense as, say, the Trinity or Transubstantiation? Well, these doctrines are easier to swallow than the concept of, say, a Lesbian Dad.

Gnosticism

The only way to establish a general equality between same-sex and heterosexual relationships is to declare that all relationships are normatively sterile. But this is sheer lunacy.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

And all that Holden Caufield crap

If almost every one in the United States who has gone through High School has read Catcher in the Rye, then why is society phonier than ever?   The humanizing effect of literature is overrated, I suppose.

Monday, November 25, 2013

4 Minute Absurdist Theatre

(Inspired by Michael Cera)

Characters:

Me, a middle-aged, paunchy, pathetic nebbish

Aubrey Plaza

The Time:  The Present

The Setting:  A nondescript cubicle

(we see Me sitting in front of a computer terminal, doing nothing.)

Me:  What's the point?  What's the point?  I won't remember any of my work anyway.  So, I might as well not do it.  And I don't know what I should do anyway.

(Aubrey Plaza's head suddenly appears above the south cubicle wall.)

Ms. Plaza:  Hey, hey, hey.

Me:  (startled, tries to swivel toward the voice but ends up back in front of the terminal)  Who is that?

Ms. Plaza:  It's Aubrey Plaza, the sum and zenith of all your hopes and dreams.  You wanna do lunch?

Me:  (turns the chair around with deliberate stomps so as not to miss the voice a second-time)  Lunch?

Ms. Plaza:  Lunch is simply a euphemism for, "I want you to ravish me right now, you Roman War God, you."  You do realize that, don't you?

Me:  Why?

Ms. Plaza:  No reason.  You just got lucky.  I had a whim.  So, shall we...

Me:  Now?  You mean, here?

Ms. Plaza:  Well, no, not here, stupid.

Me:  Well, fine.  Where then?

Ms.  Plaza:  There's no one in the snack room right now.  (enters the cubicle and reaches Me her hand)  Come on, let's go.

(Scene changes to a nondescript windowless room with two nondescript vending machines and a table that seats four or five.

Me:  What if some one comes in here?  It is Lunch Time after all.

Ms. Plaza:  Oh, I have a key.  I can lock this door.  (which is exactly what she does.  Thereafter, she seats herself upon the table with as much of a come hither look as her notorious deadpan will allow)  So, now, come hither you, and take me, let me feel your throbbing manhood.

Me:  Now?

Ms. Plaza:  Yes.

Me:  What do I do first?

Ms. Plaza:  You can grab me and kiss me and then rip off my blouse, Einstein.

Me:  Okay.  (and does just that, or tries to, at least, but as Me begins pulling her blouse out of her skirt, Ms. Plaza pushes Me away).

Ms. Plaza:  Wait.  Do you have a condom?

Me:  Oh, no.  I am Catholic.  Damn.  Can't I just get a Three Musketeers Bar and use the wrapper?

Ms.  Plaza:  Geez, you are Catholic.

Me:  But this is supposed to be the sum and zenith of all my hopes and dreams.

Ms. Plaza:  Yes, I know, I know.  Don't worry.  There's a pharmacy across the street.  It won't take me five minutes.  (starts tucking her blouse back in her skirt).  You'll wait right here, okay?

Me:  Five minutes?

Ms. Plaza:  Less, I promise.

Me:  Promise?

Ms. Plaza:  Look at this face.  When it says 'promise', it means 'promise'.

Me:  (meekly)  But I've never seen a face like that.

Ms. Plaza:  Christ!  Just trust me.

Me:  (in something damn near a whimper)  Okay.

Ms.  Plaza:  And try not to hyperventilate.  Too much.  (Exits)

Me:  Please, hurry.

(The Elders of Zion suddenly materialize around the table)

First Elder:  She won't return.

Second Elder:  Kiss the Mezuzah.

(Me looks frantically for a Mezuzah, but finds none.  Then the Third Elder drops a china plate on the floor.  As it shatters, the scene changes to a very messy bedroom.  It is the middle of the night, and Me has to get up to urinate.)

Me:  Goddamn, motherfucking nocturia!

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Oh, Mr. D.

Expecting to be a granddad just because your daughter is "marrying" a woman is as silly as expecting to eat fish because you lost your fishing rod. And it is definitely sillier than the notion that marriage has something to do with procreation.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Paradigmatic Pilpul

This is just idiocy. Presumption of parenthood attaches to normal marriage because of the presumption of really obvious biology. When a same-sex couple is raising a kid, it is simply impossible to presume that both partners are the parents. Again, because of really obvious biology. Same-sex "marriage" is bullshit. But I am saying this only because I secretly want to gas Jews.

Please, answer me this

If you celebrate the murder of an unarmed man face down on the floor and so wounded that he is hors de combat by any definition of the term, you are not some cruel, depraved Nazi who gets his jollies from the sadism of wholly gratuitous and senseless violence. No, you're an upstanding patriot.

But if you think that marriage is the union of a man and woman, then you are as evil and as twisted a bigot as a White Supremacist or, well, a Nazi and as such probably wish you could have watched Matthew Shepherd's crucifixion on that barbed wire fence.

How the fuck does that work? Answer me this. I want to know. How in the goddamn fuck is it respectable to celebrate the cold-blooded murder of a critically wounded man (in front of his wife, no less), but thinking marriage is a union between a man and a woman is as contemptible as anti-Semitism or racism? Tell me. I want to fucking know. Explain to me why this is NOT rabid, barking LUNACY! Tell me!!!!

Repititio

To repeat: None of my arguments against the legal recognition of ss'm' depend upon the moral status of what same-sex couples do to express intimacy. Let's do a thought experiment, shall we? What if the general culture did not associate being gay with engaging in buggery or being Lesbian with fisting or using strap-ons? Instead being gay or Lesbian was in the popular imagination linked primarily with nothing that no one would ever think disgusting, perverted, or immoral such as having really deep philosophical discussions. The so-called 'ick factor' would then be entirely gone from the matter of same-sex relationships. I would still be opposed to the legal recognition of ss'm' with exactly the same vehemence. Why? Because my opposition does not depend upon the morality or immorality of what same-sex couples do but ONLY upon what they cannot do, i.e. coitus.

I am not throwing in the towel just yet

SS'M' will soon be recognized in all fifty states. My side has lost. But here's my hope. "Marriage equality" is part of a larger goal and that is the complete abolition of all public sanctions of heterosexism and heteronormativity. For the arguments for "marriage equality" are all premised upon equality among the sexual orientations. Heteronormativity is premised upon the idea that there is only one normal sexual orientation, that being heterosexuality. Thus, a society cannot logically accept same-sex "marriage" and also be heteronormative. The two things directly contradict each other. If a society accepts one, it must reject the other.

Thus, a society that accepts the arguments for "marriage equality" must reject all public sanctions of heterosexism, and this, of course, includes sexually segregated public restrooms and locker rooms. But this will lead to popular resistance, especially among mothers with teenage daughters. And when the angry mobs protesting the desexing of restrooms and locker rooms are told that this is simply the logical consequence of "marriage equality", it is my fondest hope that they will all respond with a loud roar, "Well, fuck 'marriage equality' then!" And then finally normality and sanity will be restored.

The Shining City on the Hill

The Hurt Locker, Zero Dark Thirty, Captain Phillips, these films prove American Exceptionalism.  For only in the U.S.A. do the citizens have to pay to view Government Propaganda.

A New Excuse

I am sorry I am so cranky this morning.  I must have gotten up on the wrong side of History.  Sowwy.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Hey, Mr. D.

I hope your grandchild won't be ungrateful like this spiteful brat.

Let's hear it for the Irish!

This is the BEST brief argument against the legal recognition of the absurdity known as same-sex "marriage" I have read thus far.  David Quinn is THE man.  I forgive the Irish now for making Catholicism more unpleasant than it needs to be, even for being the final cause of "Eagle's Wings".

David Quinn does his homework.  Listen how he neatly cuts off Richard Dawkin's ass and hands it to him with garnish.

MacIntyre in nuce


I had to take this sociology class over the summer to be graduated with a B.A.  One day the professor started class by talking about how artificial insemination gives women the opportunity to have children without ever knowing a man.

"But that would be boring,"  I said.

"Paul, that's sexist," she said sternly.

"Sorry," I responded sheepishly and did not speak for the rest of the class.

But that did not sour me on academia.  This did:

It was a class on arguments for and against the Enlightenment.  This was the class that introduced me to MacIntyre.  I have not been the same since.  Anyway, towards the end of the Semester we were  discussing Hume's Treatise, and a rather testy exchange was had between a dandified graduate student of English Lit. and a diehard defender of Aristotelian Logic (he was also at the time a rabid Randian--he is no longer.  He's Catholic.).  The exchange was rather sharp, but no foul language was used, no voices were raised, and it was a minor disruption, if that.  The professor managed to get back to the subject of Hume's philosophy easily.  Nevertheless, the tone of this brief exchange has forever registered in my mind as thus:

The Dandy:  There is no absolute truth, you anachronistic fool.
The Schoolman:  Yes,  there is, you limp-wristed asswipe.

And I remember thinking, "Get me the goddamn fuck out of here."

Since then I've discovered that you don't need to attend a prestigious university to be exposed to such philosophical insights.  Facebook will do just fine.

Incommensurability, baby, incommensurability!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Ionesco, call your office

Hollywood, as everyone should know by now, is hellbent on making gay "families" seem normal. The show Modern Family is part of this project. Obviously. But other shows that do not have regular gay characters or are not particularly focused on matters of relationship and family such as, say, cop shows will often have dialogue that normally is used about heterosexual relations applied instead to homosexual ones in the attempt to make us the viewers accept that the one kind is just as normal as the other.

My favorite such attempt happened in last Wednesday's episode of SVU: An openly gay man is asked if he has any children. He answers, "No, I haven't found the right man yet."

I actually like absurdist theatre.

If there is no free will,

...then what use is it to try and persuade people that there is no free will?  I have never been able to figure this out.  Can anyone help me in this regard?

Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Land of the Free

The United States of America, the land where you can be jailed for refusing to bake a wedding cake for an event that is not even a wedding.

November 10, 1934

Today would have been my father's 79th Birthday.  I miss him.

(Note bene:  In case you are being or have been raised by Lesbians, "father" means--or used to mean-- "male parent".  Also, a father used to be understood as indispensable to any family, so indispensable, in fact, that the loss of a father was considered a devastating tragedy.  Now, of course, a male parent is nothing more than a lifestyle option.  This Brave New World can go fuck itself.)

Just a friendly reminder

It is bigoted to celebrate Father's and Mother's Day.  These hate-filled Feast Days of Oppressive Heteronormativity spread the message that sexual difference in parenting actually is important and thereby demean and humiliate Gays and Lesbians raising children.  Therefore, if you celebrate these days, you are as evil as a Nazi or a Grand Wizard.  If you do not wish to be as evil as a Nazi or a Grand Wizard, then you should celebrate Parents' Day only, which falls on the Fourth Sunday of July.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Bigotries, Old and New

The old bigotry:  (Said by a white father to a black boy) "Don't you dare look at my daughter, and don't even think about dating her."

The new bigotry: (Said by a Bible-Thumping Zealot to a gay youth) "Please, please, look at my daughter, please. Doesn't she have a nice figure? Don't her nice, round, firm breasts excite you in any way? Have another look, please!"

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Just have to get this out of my system

The Illinois State Legislature can go fuck itself.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

One more thing

Guy Fawkes wanted to usurp a Protestant Theocracy and put a Catholic Theocracy in its place, people.  He was hardly a subversive anarchist who yearned for a Libertarian/Libertine Utopia, and, one thing is for damn sure, his ideal regime would have hardly been welcoming to Lesbian Romances.   It's "Remember, remember..." and not "Re-write, re-write to conform to the Revolutionary Delusions of Arrested Adolescence."

And it should be noted that Fawkes and his fellow Gunpowder Plotters were singularly stupid,  They let the powder they were intending to use to blow up Parliament sit in a dark, dripping cellar for months and months and months.  They would have had more success if they tried to poison the parliamentarians with moldy cheese.

Bad Writing is Bad Timing

According to the blogger.com stats, my pageviews are increasing.  This may or may not indicate an increasing in readership.  It may indicate merely that the same two or three bored people are so bored that they are re-reading my posts.  Well, I should say that I am honored that there are a few who regard my dyspeptic drivel a more interesting distraction than the latest Cat Video on YouTube.  But even if my readership is increasing, the same cannot be said about the quality of my writing.  I thought that if I wrote something every day, my writing would become more practiced, sure, and interesting, provoking my readership to beg me to write the Next Great American Novel.  Well, that has not happened.  And it won't happen.  Successful writers all start writing in earnest in their teens or early twenties, and by the time they've reached my age, they have long since exorcised all of their bad writing demons.  That's what Juvenilia is for, after all.  Middle-age is not the time to do Juvenilia, especially when the second bout of pathetic childishness is just a few years away.

I wasted my youth.

Oh, and there is another possibility for the increase in pageviews:  Doublechecking by the NSA (although you'd think the agency would know how to disappear any internet footprint it might make).  Or the government's Health Care Website sent people here by mistake.  No insurance exchanges here.  Try eating an apple a day.  That's all I can tell ya.  Sowwy.

Oh, Brother Tom

Why do you not have a weblog?  Or do you, but just not on Blogger.com?  Anyway, get thee off facebook.  Facebook is evil.  It runs adverts for the Russian Sex Trade.  But, then again, Google, which  owns Blogger.com, probably does much worse things like, say, creating a privately owned global surveillance state.

Geez.  The Amish look better with each passing day.  The Amish can't be wiretapped or hacked.  Of course, they are still vulnerable to whatever depredations Google may have planned with Google Earth.    Which once provoked me to say, "Hey, neato!"  That's how technocratic totalitarianism begins, folks--by being awestruck by its power.

We're all fucked.  (except, perhaps, the Amish).

Why Dale Carnegie's Books were Bestsellers

οἱ πολλοὶ δὲ δοκοῦσι διὰ φιλοτιμίαν βούλεσθαι φιλεῖσθαι μᾶλλον ἢ φιλεῖν: διὸ φιλοκόλακες οἱ πολλοί.

Anyone may answer

How does my opposition to the legal recognition of same-sex "marriage" make me as evil as someone who wants to deny blacks the vote or as heinous as someone who wants to gas Jews?

Monday, November 4, 2013

On second thought

John Emerson may well have a Doctorate in Germanistik.  His dissertation may have been on Thomas Mann's Zauberberg and written auf fliessendem, fehlerfreiem, beredtem Hochdeutsch.  He spoke really bad German with a hypergrotesque American accent simply for the sake of lulling the Germans into thinking that we Americans are so bad at languages that we cannot be expected to understand any of the foreign conversations we electronically surveil.

If this is the case, it has not fooled the Germans.  This is a Straussian trick, to conceal one's nefarious wiles behind a façade of bumbling cluelessness, and Leo Strauß was a German.  And John Emerson remains an idiot.

Regarding a previous post

Er, what I thought was Divine Intervention was really just cruel teasing by the baseball gods, who apparently support "marriage equality".  Oh, well.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

John Emerson


This is the guy who represents us to Germany?  No wonder the Krauts still think we are fucking idiots. His American Accent is so grotesque that it is a parody of itself, but, fine, people who learn languages at a late age often cannot shake the dominance of their native tongue.  Mr. Emerson can be forgiven for his truly grating pronunciation of German.  But was there no one on his staff who knew enough German to save Mr. Emerson from a really basic and loud subject-verb agreement error?  Or are all embassy staff with that level of German proficiency too busy transcribing and translating Angela Merkel's phone calls to give their boss a primer on the conjugation of German verbs?

Hey, if the American Embassy in Berlin needs a German Tutor or even a copy editor, I am available.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Facebook is officially sleazy

The last time I re-activated, I got ads for mail order Russian hook-ups.  Such ads can only be for the still thriving sex slave trade.  

Nihilism and "Marriage Equality"

According to the Source of all Knowledge, Wikipedia: "most commonly, nihilism is presented in the form of existential nihilism, which argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value."

The logic of "marriage equality" is thus: Gays and straights must be treated equally under the law. Therefore, it is invidious discrimination for the law to treat opposite-sex couples differently from same-sex couples. Therefore, the dictates of equality demand the legal recognition of same-sex "marriage". But for the law to effect this equality between straights and gays, it must say that the difference between the two is not sufficiently relevant to justify differential treatment. The difference between the two is rather obvious: the former desire to engage in an act upon which the endurance of humanity has hitherto depended and the latter do not. To say, therefore, that this difference is irrelevant in the determination of public policy is to say that the endurance of the public does not matter.

One can argue that this does not follow at all because the advent of Artificial Reproductive Technology now enables societies to ensure their endurance without relying upon the heterosexual act. Thus, the heterosexual act is in principle unnecessary to the perpetuation of humanity as a species. It can now simply be regarded as merely an expression of intimacy and as such no different in kind from other such expressions, ranging from cuddling to frottage to building pillow forts, thereby eliminating the only significant difference between opposite-sex and same-sex relationships.

Nevertheless, the heterosexual act, coitus, remains the only natural way for humans to reproduce, and to say that this is trivial, nugatory, and irrelevant to how we should order society entails the view that Nature has no prescriptive force. For if Nature's way to replenish human society is irrelevant, then we might as well say that Nature is indifferent to our very existence. Nature really doesn't give a shit about us at all.

So what? We care about our own existence. We care that we will continue our existence as a species, and it really doesn't matter if we do so by the natural way or by Brave New World technologies, that allows us to have really fun NSA (No Strings Attached) Acts of Intimacy. So long as we continue on. That's what counts. Nature doesn't care about us, and we shouldn't care about Nature.

But if we've decided that Nature really is indifferent to the endurance of humanity, then we must rely only on our own opinion that it matters that our species lives on. And opinions are changeable, fickle things.  Opinions that once enjoyed a virtually unanimous consensus and for centuries taken to be axiomatic (like, say--oh, I don't know--, the notion that marriage is the union of a man and a woman) have been known to change dramatically and in less time than it takes to complete a degree in marketing. Yeah, okay, most of us think it's important for us humans to carry on, but that's right now.  We could change our minds later.  Maybe, in the near future we decide that Nietzsche and his epigones the Transhumanists are right and that humanity as we know it should perish to make room for a race of Übermenschen.  It could be a genetically modified form of Aryans with an extra blue eye as a spare or something like the Daleks or, perhaps, the latest new iPhones endowed with crazy super Artificial Intelligence. What would be the objection? That it's not natural? Please!

Saying that Nature is indifferent to humanity's survival is tantamount to saying that humanity's survival has no objective value at all, that whatever value it has can come only from our sentimental fantasies. This is the conclusion to which the logic of "marriage equality" leads, and how this is not a textbook example of what Wikipedia defines as existential nihilism, I really do not know.