Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday. All Catholics are obligated under pain of perpetual perdition not merely to abstain from the consumption of meat but to fast as well. Now, fasting does not mean not eating. It has a very specific meaning, having been defined with the greatest of rigorist care by expert and holy Canon Lawyers.

On Ash Wednesday, Catholics between the ages of fourteen and fifty-nine are allowed only one full meal, and the other two meals must each be half the size of the single permitted full one. If either is more than half, then get used to an eternity of searing, screaming AGONY IN HELL! And, remember, you may not have any meat (fish and crustaceans excepted), either.

So, today I plan to have lobster for breakfast, lobster for lunch, and, because I am an obedient son of the Church, two lobsters for dinner. God, how I love my Jesuit Education!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A good line

One of the more worrisome aspects of being a lonely middle-aged guy is the bad habit of laughing at one's own jokes and quips. But I think I had a fairly good line today. Of course, being a lonely middle-aged guy, I would think this. Self-flattery is rather icky, true, but it does stave off desperation.

Anyway, I was at one of my favorite haunts where I learned that one of the prettier barmaids (I use the term loosely, mind) is slated to be married this coming October. Her wedding will be in Las Vegas even though she and her fiancé both live in St. Louis. Upon receipt of this information, I quipped, "Yes, nothing says undying love and devotion like a wedding in Vegas.

Her fellow barmaids (remember that this term is quite loose) burst out laughing. The soon-to-be bride did not. Oh, well. A majority thought it was funny, and who am I to contradict democracy?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Why is Pat Robertson so stupid?

Well, I am glad you asked that, my token black sub-host, because I can give you the answer since I am the host of an international television show watched by millions of people who have read only one book--if any, that is--and have mercilessly been spared the burden of critical thinking. So, it doesn't matter whether I am a historical authority or no; my viewers think I am, and, God bless 'em, who am I, a lowly servant in God's vineyard, to say that they are wrong?

Anyway, a long time ago back in 18th Century England, when Lord Cromwell was king--or was it Otto von Bismark, it doesn't matter--Pat Robertson's great-great-great-great-great granddady, the Earl of Robertshire, wanted to spend a little extra time reading Holy Scripture with his young maid. But he did not want his wife finding out. So, the Earl made a pact with Satan. He would give his soul to Satan if Satan distracted his wife while he shared some Biblical knowledge with the maid. Now, the Earl of Robertshire knew that once saved, he would always be saved, and he had definitely been saved once. So, he knew that Satan would have no power over him, regardless of the terms of the pact.

Unfortunately, it was the Earl who was duped because it was not Satan with whom he made the deal, but Satan's stupid twin brother, Virgil, who did not understand the Baptist Doctrine of Eternal Security. And so, when the Earl of Robertshire finally died of what was then known as the French Disease, Virgil, utterly ignorant of Baptist Theology, took the Earl's soul down to hell, and everyone in the Earl's family has been stupid ever since down to this very day.