Thursday, January 12, 2017

Kids today

Person: So, yeah, let's see the new Star Wars.

Person 2: Great, but we should leave now. It's Friday, there'll be a big line.

Person: Oh, right. Okay, just let me get changed, and then we can go.

Person 2: Great.

Person: Er, yeah. Just let me get changed, and I'll be ready in about two minutes.

Person 2: No problem.

Person: Um, I said that I'm going to change. That means I'm going to change clothes.

Person 2: Yeah, no problem. I understood.

Person: Well, I thought it was understood that you should wait outside while I, you know, change.

Person 2: Why should I wait outside? It's cold outside.

Person: Um, did your parents vaccinate you too early? Because you seem a bit autistic.

Person 2: No, no. I just don't want to be in the cold tonight longer than I have to.

Person: It's only the hallway!

Person 2: They don't heat the hallway. University has a bigger endowment than most developing countries, and they don't heat the hallway.

Person: You have your fucking pea coat on.

Person 2: Why so testy? And, wow, we gotta go. Are you gonna change or not?

Person: Yes, after you step outside, close the door behind you, so I can have my, you know, privacy while I, you know, UNDRESS.

Person 2: Oh, is that what this is about?

Person: Ding, ding, ding!

Person 2: Oh, my apologies. I am so very sorry. I'll wait outside. I had no idea you were such a devout Christian.

Person: Excuse me?

Person 2: You believe nudity is something shameful or that it will cause me to look at you with uncontrollable lust. That's the Supernatural Christian belief in Original Sin, committed by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. I would have never known, especially since I only got a B in our evolutionary biology class. You got an A. Geez, you think you know people.

Person: I'm an atheist!

Person 2: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Person: Don't you see the big poster of Sam Harris right above my bed?

Person 2: Well, yes, maybe you're just a right-wing Christian double agent sent here to spy on our safe spaces.

Person: Seriously?!

Person 2: Yeah, seriously. I really resent that you would profile me as someone who would go all psychopathically horny at the sight of you undressing merely based upon my perceived gender. You're all in favor of racial profiling, too, right?

Person: What the fuck?

Person 2: Stop and frisk?

Person: You gotta be--

Person 2: Black lives matter, you know.

Person: What does that have to do--

Person 2: Intersectionality. Everything goes together. Gender profiling is racial profiling, and racial profiling is racism. You voted for Trump, right?

Person: I DID NOT VOTE FOR TRUMP!

Person 2: I don't believe you.

Person: Oh Mother of, er…

Person 2: Mother of God? Come on, just say it. The closet is a lonely, stifling place. Even for a bigoted Trumpkin like you.

Person: You know what? Fine. I’ll just go like this. Okay, let’s just forget this surreal—

Person 2: You think I want to be seen now with a Trump Voter out in public?

Person: You can’t be serious.

Person 2: You’ve got be prepared to pay the price for your beliefs. Didn’t they teach you that in Sunday School?

Person: THAT’S IT! FUCK YOU. I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN! I DID NOT VOTE FOR TRUMP!! I AM NOT A RACIST!! I DO NOT BELIEVE IN RACIAL PROFILING! STOP AND FRISK WAS A FLAGRANT VIOLATION OF OUR FOURTH AMENDMENT RIGHTS, AND I AM A RED DIAPER BABY. I NEVER WENT TO SUNDAY SCHOOL. MY PARENTS RAISED ME TO BE A MARXIST WHO REGARDS RELIGION AS AN OPIATE THAT DISTRACTS THE MASSES FROM GAINING CLASS CONSCIOUSNESS REQUISITE FOR REVOLUTIONARY CRITICAL MASS! I HAVE NEVER BEEN NOR AM I NOW A MEMBER OF THE REACTIONARY CHRISTIAN IDEOLOGY.

Person 2: Then prove it. Get naked in front of me now!

Person: FUCK OFF, PERV!! GET OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!

Person 2: (in a mocking sing song voice) You voted for Trump!

Person: GET OUT! NOW!

Person 2: (still sing song) Putin is your secret boyfriend!

Person: OUT! OUT! DAMN YOU! GET OUT OF MY ROOM NOW!

Person 2: Well, we wouldn't get tickets anyway. See ya. (exits)

Person: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Person 2: (offstage) I heard that!

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