Sunday, December 21, 2014

Grade School in the Not So Distant Future

Tommy: (opening his lunchbox) Oh, yes. Pudding. Chocolate Pudding! I've got the coolest mom.

Sarah: What did you just say?

Tommy: I got some chocolate pudding. You want some?

Sarah: Not that. You said something else.

Tommy: Oh, yeah. My mom made it for me.

Sarah: You think you're better than me because you have a female parent?

Tommy: Uh?

Sarah: My parent A and parent 1 are both males. But do I go around and say that I am superior because I have two male parents and you have only one?

Tommy: (blank stare)

Sarah: Well, do I?

Tommy: Er, I guess not.

Sarah: So, why do you have to rub it in my face that I don't have a female parent?

Tommy: You're not getting any of my pudding. (Gets up to move to another table)

Sarah: Oh, Teacher Thistlethwaite! Teacher Thistlethwaite:

Thistlethwaite: (walking up to Sarah's table) What is it, Sarah?

Sarah: Tommy said a heterosexist word.

Thistlethwaite: Stop right there, Tommy. (Tommy freezes, has a nervous look on his face). Sarah, what did it say?

Sarah: It used the M-Word. It said, "I have the coolest M."

Thistlethwaite: Is this true, Tommy?

Tommy: I was just happy that she...

Thistlethwaite: What did we teach you about that pronoun?

Tommy: We should not use it?

Thistlethwaite: Because?

Tommy: You said so?

Thistlethwaite: Sarah, help it out.

Sarah: "She" is a gendered pronoun and as such was used to indoctrinate people into accepting the oppressive, theocratic heteronormative regime as just and normal when in reality it was unjust and the imposition of heterosexist fetishism and fascism.

Thistlethwaite: Sarah, very, very good! Now, Tommy, what did Sarah just say?

Tommy: I don't know. May I just eat my pudding now, please?

Thistlethwaite: No. Give me your lunchbox. Hand it over! (Pulls Tommy's Lunchbox out of his hands after a struggle). You will sit here and write what Sarah just said one hundred times. And if you don't have it done by the end of school, then you will be kept after school until you do. Is that clear?

Tommy: Yes, Teacher Thistlethwaite.

Sarah: But what about its use of the M-Word? It said it. I heard it say the M word, Teacher Thistlethwaite. You can't let it get away with that and unbend the arc of Justice.

Thistlethwaite: You are quite right, Sarah. Tommy, come with me to the principal's office. While you write Sarah's excellent summary of the dangers of gendered pronouns, you will wash your mouth out with soap. Come along now, Tommy.

Tommy: Yes, Teacher Thistlethwaite.

Sarah: Oh, oh, Teacher Thistlethwaite, may I have Tommy's pudding?

Thistlethwaite: Oh, yes, of course, dear child. (gives Sarah Tommy's Lunchbox)

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