Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Future Job Interview

(N.B.  I am writing this simply to shake insomnia.)

Interviewer:  Oh, come in, Mr. Oak, come in.  So pleased to see you.  Finally.

Oak:  Thank you.

Interviewer:  Have a seat.  So, how was your first meeting here?

Oak:  I feel good about it.  Got my fingers crossed.

Interviewer:  Oh, you don't need luck.  We're excited to have a summa cum laude from X-Box Polytechnic University.  We just love your 3-d money shots you added to Grand Theft Auto.  They are so realistic, and every one looks different like actual money shots.  How did you code that?

Oak:  I worked out a Brownian Motion Algorithm.

Interviewer:  God, you are a clever.  It'll be great having you.

Oak: So, I'm hired?

Interviewer:  Pretty much.  I just have to ask a few routine questions, and then you can start tomorrow.

Oak:  Super.

Interviewer:  So, Mr. Oak, are you or have you ever been a bigot?

Oak:   Bigot?  What do you mean?

Interviewer:  Do you oppose or have you ever opposed marriage equality?

Oak:  Oh, okay.  No, of course not.

Interviewer:  So, you never donated to the Prop 8 Campaign?

Oak:  I was a High School Senior.  I was lucky enough to afford car insurance.

Interviewer:  So that would be a no?

Oak:  Yes, but what does this have to do with developing video games if I may ask?

Interviewer:  Our company is committed to equality and fairness and human rights.

Oak:  Fine.

Interviewer:  Just a few more questions, Mr. Oak.  Have you ever met Brian Brown?  And if you did, did you do the right thing and tell that asshole to fuck off?

Oak:  Who is Brian Brown?

Interviewer:  So you never met him?

Oak:  I don't even know who he is.

Interviewer:  Okay.  But if you did know who he is and met him, you would tell him that he is an asshole and that he should get pancreatic cancer and die a slow, agonizing death, right?

Oak:  Why would I do that?

Interviewer:   Because he has campaigned and is still campaigning to strip same-sex couples of their basic, fundamental human rights.

Oak: Who is this person?

Interviewer:  He is the president of...

Oak:  What?

Interviewer:  Please, Mr. Oak, don't make me say it.  All you need know is that the Southern Poverty Law Center has designated his organization a hate group and that it's sole purpose is to campaign against marriage equality and thereby demean, humiliate, and oppress sweet, loving same-sex couples.

Oak:  Well, that's not good.

Interviewer:  So, if you met this person, would you tell him that he should get pancreatic cancer and die a slow, agonizing death?

Oak:  Who again?

Interviewer:  Mr. Oak, please, that's like asking Ron Weasley to repeat the name of Volde--.  I can't say that name, either.

Oak:  You mean this guy Brian Brown?

Interviewer:  YES!  But, please, Mr. Oak, not so loud.

Oak:  And you want to know if I would tell Br--

Interviewer:  --this vile, despicable homophobic bigot--

Oak:  --this vile, despicable homophobic bigot that he--

Interviewer:  --should get pancreatic cancer and die a slow, agonizing death.  Would you, Mr. Oak?

Oak:  Yeah, sure, why not.

Interviewer:  Excellent!  Okay, just a few more questions, and we'll be done.

Oak:  (warily)  Okay.

Interviewer:  Are your parents married?

Oak:  Yes.

Interviewer:  And that makes you happy?

Oak:  Well, yes, of course.

Interviewer:  Good.  Are your parents the same or opposite sex?

Oak:  Will it count against me if I say "opposite"?

Interviewer:  Oh, Mr. Oak, you're a funny one, you are.  Of course not.  It's perfectly normal to have two parents of different sex.

Oak:  Oh, yes, yes, I know.

Interviewer:  But you do think it's also perfectly normal to have two parents of the same sex, don't you?

Oak:  Well, er, yes,  yes, I do.

Interviewer:  Good, Mr. Oak.  And you didn't have to use your lifeline.

Oak:  I have one?

Interviewer:  That's just one of my bon mots.  Relax, you're doing fine.  Now, did you always call your mother mother and your father father?

Oak:  Huh?  Er, no.  I call them "mom" and "dad".  (His face all crunched up in all kinds of puzzlement)

Interviewer:  Then did you ever call your father "mom" and your mother "dad"?

Oak:  Please, if I may ask with all due respect, why the f- (stops himself) why would I do that?

Interviewer:  Because marriage equality demands that a parent's sex is as irrelevant as the color of one's skin.

Oak:  Come again?

Interviewer:  Look, Mr. Oak, I understand perfectly if you always called your mother "mom" and your father "dad".  We haven't shaken off the last vestiges of heteronormativity just yet.

Oak:  Hetero-what?

Interviewer:  Let's step back a little.  It's normal to have two parents of the opposite sex, right?  And it's normal to have parents of the same sex, yes?  Well, then, if both arrangements are normal, then it is quite obvious that a parent's sex does not matter.

Oak:  Okay?

Interviewer:  And, therefore, your father might as well be your mother, and vice versa.  Simple.

Oak:  And that means I should call my mother "dad" and my father "mom"?

Interviewer:  Oh, not all the time.  You should mix it up.  It's a good exercise.  Gets you used to sexual interchangeability.

Oak:  But I do not think my parents would like it.

Interviewer:  Just tell them that being a parent to a wonderfully clever child should be enough for them.

Oak:  So, is that it?

Interviewer:  You'll promise to call your mother "dad" and your father "mom" sometimes?

Oak:  I'll try.

Interviewer:  It's important that you do more than that.

Oak:  Uh, er,

Interviewer:  Yes, Miss Oak?

Oak:  Fuck this!  I am sorry, but this is just bullshit.  What the fuck does any of this have to do with developing video games for horny teenage boys?  I mean, if the sexes were as interchangeable as you say, then it should not matter if Grand Theft Auto has naked women or Chippendale Dancers.

Interviewer:  You're a funny one, you are.  But you need some sensitivity training before we can hire you full time.

Oak:  Oh, fuck this shit.  Who's that guy you want to get cancer and die?  I'm gonna see if he needs a software engineer.  I'm outta here.  And if you ever call me "Miss Oak" again, I'll chop your nuts off. Clear?  You are fucking bonkers.  (stomps out)

Interviewer:  Oh, dear!  He's going to soon be packing off gays with pink triangles to Treblinka.  I must alert the Human Rights Commission.

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