(Inspired by Michael Cera)
Me, a middle-aged, paunchy, pathetic nebbish
The Time: The Present
The Setting: A nondescript cubicle
(we see Me sitting in front of a computer terminal, doing nothing.)
Me: What's the point? What's the point? I won't remember any of my work anyway. So, I might as well not do it. And I don't know what I should do anyway.
(Aubrey Plaza's head suddenly appears above the south cubicle wall.)
Ms. Plaza: Hey, hey, hey.
Me: (startled, tries to swivel toward the voice but ends up back in front of the terminal) Who is that?
Ms. Plaza: It's Aubrey Plaza, the sum and zenith of all your hopes and dreams. You wanna do lunch?
Me: (turns the chair around with deliberate stomps so as not to miss the voice a second-time) Lunch?
Ms. Plaza: Lunch is simply a euphemism for, "I want you to ravish me right now, you Roman War God, you." You do realize that, don't you?
Ms. Plaza: No reason. You just got lucky. I had a whim. So, shall we...
Me: Now? You mean, here?
Ms. Plaza: Well, no, not here, stupid.
Me: Well, fine. Where then?
Ms. Plaza: There's no one in the snack room right now. (enters the cubicle and reaches Me her hand) Come on, let's go.
(Scene changes to a nondescript windowless room with two nondescript vending machines and a table that seats four or five.
Me: What if some one comes in here? It is Lunch Time after all.
Ms. Plaza: Oh, I have a key. I can lock this door. (which is exactly what she does. Thereafter, she seats herself upon the table with as much of a come hither look as her notorious deadpan will allow) So, now, come hither you, and take me, let me feel your throbbing manhood.
Ms. Plaza: Yes.
Me: What do I do first?
Ms. Plaza: You can grab me and kiss me and then rip off my blouse, Einstein.
Me: Okay. (and does just that, or tries to, at least, but as Me begins pulling her blouse out of her skirt, Ms. Plaza pushes Me away).
Ms. Plaza: Wait. Do you have a condom?
Me: Oh, no. I am Catholic. Damn. Can't I just get a Three Musketeers Bar and use the wrapper?
Ms. Plaza: Geez, you are Catholic.
Me: But this is supposed to be the sum and zenith of all my hopes and dreams.
Ms. Plaza: Yes, I know, I know. Don't worry. There's a pharmacy across the street. It won't take me five minutes. (starts tucking her blouse back in her skirt). You'll wait right here, okay?
Me: Five minutes?
Ms. Plaza: Less, I promise.
Ms. Plaza: Look at this face. When it says 'promise', it means 'promise'.
Me: (meekly) But I've never seen a face like that.
Ms. Plaza: Christ! Just trust me.
Me: (in something damn near a whimper) Okay.
Ms. Plaza: And try not to hyperventilate. Too much. (Exits)
Me: Please, hurry.
(The Elders of Zion suddenly materialize around the table)
First Elder: She won't return.
Second Elder: Kiss the Mezuzah.
(Me looks frantically for a Mezuzah, but finds none. Then the Third Elder drops a china plate on the floor. As it shatters, the scene changes to a very messy bedroom. It is the middle of the night, and Me has to get up to urinate.)
Me: Goddamn, motherfucking nocturia!