Monday, November 25, 2013

4 Minute Absurdist Theatre

(Inspired by Michael Cera)

Characters:

Me, a middle-aged, paunchy, pathetic nebbish

Aubrey Plaza

The Time:  The Present

The Setting:  A nondescript cubicle

(we see Me sitting in front of a computer terminal, doing nothing.)

Me:  What's the point?  What's the point?  I won't remember any of my work anyway.  So, I might as well not do it.  And I don't know what I should do anyway.

(Aubrey Plaza's head suddenly appears above the south cubicle wall.)

Ms. Plaza:  Hey, hey, hey.

Me:  (startled, tries to swivel toward the voice but ends up back in front of the terminal)  Who is that?

Ms. Plaza:  It's Aubrey Plaza, the sum and zenith of all your hopes and dreams.  You wanna do lunch?

Me:  (turns the chair around with deliberate stomps so as not to miss the voice a second-time)  Lunch?

Ms. Plaza:  Lunch is simply a euphemism for, "I want you to ravish me right now, you Roman War God, you."  You do realize that, don't you?

Me:  Why?

Ms. Plaza:  No reason.  You just got lucky.  I had a whim.  So, shall we...

Me:  Now?  You mean, here?

Ms. Plaza:  Well, no, not here, stupid.

Me:  Well, fine.  Where then?

Ms.  Plaza:  There's no one in the snack room right now.  (enters the cubicle and reaches Me her hand)  Come on, let's go.

(Scene changes to a nondescript windowless room with two nondescript vending machines and a table that seats four or five.

Me:  What if some one comes in here?  It is Lunch Time after all.

Ms. Plaza:  Oh, I have a key.  I can lock this door.  (which is exactly what she does.  Thereafter, she seats herself upon the table with as much of a come hither look as her notorious deadpan will allow)  So, now, come hither you, and take me, let me feel your throbbing manhood.

Me:  Now?

Ms. Plaza:  Yes.

Me:  What do I do first?

Ms. Plaza:  You can grab me and kiss me and then rip off my blouse, Einstein.

Me:  Okay.  (and does just that, or tries to, at least, but as Me begins pulling her blouse out of her skirt, Ms. Plaza pushes Me away).

Ms. Plaza:  Wait.  Do you have a condom?

Me:  Oh, no.  I am Catholic.  Damn.  Can't I just get a Three Musketeers Bar and use the wrapper?

Ms.  Plaza:  Geez, you are Catholic.

Me:  But this is supposed to be the sum and zenith of all my hopes and dreams.

Ms. Plaza:  Yes, I know, I know.  Don't worry.  There's a pharmacy across the street.  It won't take me five minutes.  (starts tucking her blouse back in her skirt).  You'll wait right here, okay?

Me:  Five minutes?

Ms. Plaza:  Less, I promise.

Me:  Promise?

Ms. Plaza:  Look at this face.  When it says 'promise', it means 'promise'.

Me:  (meekly)  But I've never seen a face like that.

Ms. Plaza:  Christ!  Just trust me.

Me:  (in something damn near a whimper)  Okay.

Ms.  Plaza:  And try not to hyperventilate.  Too much.  (Exits)

Me:  Please, hurry.

(The Elders of Zion suddenly materialize around the table)

First Elder:  She won't return.

Second Elder:  Kiss the Mezuzah.

(Me looks frantically for a Mezuzah, but finds none.  Then the Third Elder drops a china plate on the floor.  As it shatters, the scene changes to a very messy bedroom.  It is the middle of the night, and Me has to get up to urinate.)

Me:  Goddamn, motherfucking nocturia!

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