Wednesday, June 26, 2013

An Apology to Mr. D.

I would like to apologize to Mr. D. publicly. He told me that his daughter is getting married to her partner Sally this Dezember, and instead of congratulating him as old friends are supposed to do on such occasions, I just couldn't let politics go and dismissed this upcoming wedding as absurd. Where oh where are my manners? Where is my sense of decency? One should never let politics sour what are supposed to be joyous moments, such as the wedding of an old friend's daughter. I have acted like a veritable asshole, and I am abjectly and humbly sorry.

Well, I am going to make it up to you, Mr. D., and offer my heartfelt congratulations. And to show you that my well wishes are indeed sincere, Mr. D., I shall not just offer you generic platitudes that one reads on a mass-produced greeting card. My well wishes will be very specific and detailed, just to show you how much I really care.

I sincerely hope that your daughter's marriage to Sally beats the odds and lasts. After all, Lesbian marriages are far more likely to fall apart than gay marriages and heterosexual marriages. In Sweden, where the only reliably scholarly study comparing break-up rates among Lesbian, gay, and straight couples has been done, the rate of dissolution among Lesbian partnerships is almost twice that as among gay couples and nearly a whopping three times the rate among heterosexual couples. Even the gay-friendly Atlantic Magazine admits as much, and not even reluctantly. But I trust your daughter and Sally, not being Swedes, will live happily ever after.

And, Mr. D., I do hope that the loving couple do choose to make you a grand dad. I just hope that if they do so, that the turkey baster they use is sterile. Hey, that'll be my wedding gift. A nice, sterile turkey baster that can shoot lots and lots of sperm.

If the loving couple decide to go to an IVF clinic to acquire your grandson, I hope all the best, that they be good eugenicists and find an anonymous sperm donor with the best genes at the most affordable price. I also hope that the donor does not scatter his seed too prolifically, lest your grandchild unwittingly mates with his sister or her brother.

And if your daughter decides that she wants to carry the child, then I hope you have no qualms about daddy's little girl being impregnated by a complete stranger. Ah, qualms, schwarms! Who cares who impregnates her! You'll be a grand dad, and that's all that matters.

And I hope your grandchild doesn't ever pester her two mommies with annoying questions about who his father was or is and why he abandoned him. Origins, Schmorigins, I say! The brat should be lucky that he's alive at all and that two precious lovebirds decided to acquire him for their cozy little love nest.

And one last thing, Mr. D., I do hope your daughter and daughter-in-law are environmentally conscious and use only recyclable strap-ons. Our landfills are overflowing already.

Once again, Mr. D., Mazel Tov! And I mean that. Sincerely. Even though I am not Jewish.

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