Friday, February 12, 2010

Why is Pat Robertson so stupid?

Well, I am glad you asked that, my token black sub-host, because I can give you the answer since I am the host of an international television show watched by millions of people who have read only one book--if any, that is--and have mercilessly been spared the burden of critical thinking. So, it doesn't matter whether I am a historical authority or no; my viewers think I am, and, God bless 'em, who am I, a lowly servant in God's vineyard, to say that they are wrong?

Anyway, a long time ago back in 18th Century England, when Lord Cromwell was king--or was it Otto von Bismark, it doesn't matter--Pat Robertson's great-great-great-great-great granddady, the Earl of Robertshire, wanted to spend a little extra time reading Holy Scripture with his young maid. But he did not want his wife finding out. So, the Earl made a pact with Satan. He would give his soul to Satan if Satan distracted his wife while he shared some Biblical knowledge with the maid. Now, the Earl of Robertshire knew that once saved, he would always be saved, and he had definitely been saved once. So, he knew that Satan would have no power over him, regardless of the terms of the pact.

Unfortunately, it was the Earl who was duped because it was not Satan with whom he made the deal, but Satan's stupid twin brother, Virgil, who did not understand the Baptist Doctrine of Eternal Security. And so, when the Earl of Robertshire finally died of what was then known as the French Disease, Virgil, utterly ignorant of Baptist Theology, took the Earl's soul down to hell, and everyone in the Earl's family has been stupid ever since down to this very day.

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