Friday, June 6, 2008

A Scientific Law of Myspace

It's been over a week since I last posted something to this space. I hope all my adoring fan have not missed my curmudgeonly rants too much. Anyway, the reason why I have not posted is that I was sick. I was coughing up nearly all my insides. It was not pretty. I nearly died. In fact, I had a near death experience. In one of my agonizing coughing fits, my soul fell out of my mouth along with a gob of smoky phlegm and soon found itself being led down a long white tunnel. At the end of the tunnel, I saw God with his arm around Martin Luther. And then God looked at me quite sternly, leveled His divinely wrathful finger at me and said in a voice that made all of creation shake, "Protestantism is true, my son! Sin boldly!"

Well, I wiped up the phlegm, and since the out of body experience lasted only five seconds, I figured it was safe to put my soul back in my mouth and digest it. But then there was the matter of the divine endorsement of Protestantism I had just witnessed. I had just seen God give His very own imprimatur to Protestantism. So, if my devotion to God and His truth means anything at all, I would have to become a Protestant. But I had written that I would rather be a gay porn fluffer than a Prot, and I never wanted to be a gay porn fluffer. I wrote that merely to show the utter contempt I have for Protestantism. But now I may not have contempt for it since it is God's truth.

Neither may I have contempt for gay porn fluffing for that is an instance of bold sinning that shows, because of the power of God's grace, Satan has no power over us. We can sin as much as we want, and the devil can't take us because we've been saved by grace. So, as long as I give my heart over completely to the doctrine of sola fide, I can fluff as much as I want and say "nya nya nah nya nya" to Mr. Satan after each fellation. Yeah, fine, but I really would like to do another bold sin. Yes, I know that all sin is equal in the eyes the Lutheran God. Well, actually He doesn't see our sins because He has covered all of us worthless pieces of shit with glistening snow. All He sees is the snow. He doesn't give a rat's ass about what we do underneath, but I certainly do, and if I am to sin boldy to show the power of His grace, I'd much rather have mass quantities of sexual intercourse with lithe females half my age than blow gay porn stars.

But there is a problem with this, as well. After years of careful empirical observation, I have noticed that the amount of nakedness a young woman shows on her MySpace default picture is indirectly proportional to her intelligent quotient. If you see, for instance, a young woman in a bikini so flimsy it might be water-soluble, it is a certainty that her book section will, if it lists anything at all, list Cosmopolitan (invariably abbreviated as "Cosmo" because the full title is just too polysyllabic) And if this woman does go to college, her major will be Communications. The data have spoken: Females who show pictures of themselves scantily clad on MySpace are airheads. Now, this is a problem for me because although my leering eyes really liked gathering all this data and I would really like to indulge my middle-age lechery for the glory of Protestantism, I just can't have sex with the braindead. I draw the line at necrophilia.

Now, I would like to have lots of assignations with lithe, beautiful women half my age who not only know what an "assignation" is but can use it in a sentence. But that, too, is a problem because such women are far too smart to allow themselves to be seduced by some pathetic middle-aged lech still trying to commit all the Lutheran sins he saw others do in high school and college. The only young women who would allow this are, I repeat, too dumb to be counted among the quick. So, it's a Catch-22.

So what will I do to show that I am saved by grace alone? Wank off? Yeah, I could do that. That's why Luther re-wrote James to say, "I by my masturbation will show you my faith." Of course, such banal self-indulgence has long since become a Protestant cliché and, therefore, boring. I want to do something a little bolder.

Hey, I know. I'll wreak havoc upon the world with lots of bombs, mayhem, and perpetual war. I will try to kill as many people on this planet as I can, and those whom I can't kill, I will torture and maim. Yes, that will be my sinning boldy. I will come this November vote for John McCain!

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