Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Man of God

When I re-joined MySpace, I wondered what I should do first. Should I contact my former MySpace friends, the ones with scare quotes and those without? Or should I just show that my very moral reasons for leaving the Murdoch-owned MySpace were utterly bogus by trying to find barely legal teens willing to have a nefarious assignation with a totally depraved middle-aged lech like me? I did neither. The first thing I did was pick a religious fight with an anti-Catholic bigot who calls himself A Man of God. I sent him a cheeky attack on Protestantism, and he sent me a very serious attack on the Pope along with his equally serious concern for my soul, and so we had yet another Catholic-Protestant back and forth that has not changed much in five hundred years, save the concern for proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I asserted that Protestantism is anarchy and responsible for the moral relativism that poisons us to this day, and he accused the Pope of attempting to usurp the place of God and thereby lead millions upon millions of people into hellbound idolatry. Nothing is ever changed by these pissing matches, but I indulge them all the same mainly because I have not been laid in sixteen years, masturbation is a mortal sin, and I need to get my yah-yahs out somehow.

Anyway, the exchange ended when this Man of God finally read my profile and discovered to his utter shock and horror that I hang out with pagan undergrads and would rather be a gay porn fluffer than a Protestant. This made me in his eyes an irredeemable pervert. He could only imagine what I do with those pagan undergrads, and it was probably the most fun he has had in a very long time, too. I can only wish my time with pagan undergrads would be what this Man of God can only imagine. My next round of quality time with an undergrad pagan will be devoted entirely to a discussion of Dostoevski's Notes from the Underground and Turgenev's Fathers and Sons, and I am guessing this is not what that Man of God had in mind. Sorry.

Yes, I know what really triggered his sense of sanctimonious outrage (which is the raison d'ĂȘtre of these Men of God). It was my preference of sucking a gay porn star's cock to being a Protestant. I thank God every day that He does not test me with this choice, but if He did, then, well, assenting to heresy and, thereby, renouncing the Faith is more evil than aiding masturbation. Catholic Teaching ranks sins, and that means some sins are worse than others. Admittedly I chose a rather offensive and disgusting way to illustrate this point mainly because I am a sick and spiteful man who may well have a diseased liver but also as a reminder that we cannot base our moral hierarchy on a sense of shock alone. It is because this nation of pornographic puritans is so obsessed with the shock of a blowjob in the inner sanctum of the Oval Office that lying about fellatio rises to the level of a high crime whereas lying us into wars--wars that destroy livelihoods, send millions of mothers and daughters into sex slavery, and, of course, maim and murder lots and lots of people to no good end--does not. We are moralistic morons.

By the way, I thought evangelicals like this Man of God believe that all sin is equally depraved in the eyes of God. So, who the fuck is he to get high and mighty about my preference of fellatio to Protestantism? Let's say that Protestantism is the one, true faith handed down to us from the Apostles (with the exception of St. James, of course, whose "Epistle of Straw" clearly demonstrates his semi-pelagian heresy), and because I would rather pay homage to Jeffrey Stryker than join the forever squabbling Children of Dr. Martin Luder, I am turning away from God and am thereby a wretched, totally depraved sinner.

So fucking what? That Man of God sinned as well by imagining what I would do with all those pagan undergrads, eh? After all, he needed to get hot and bothered to muster all that outrage. Sure, an idle impure thought that comes reflexively after reading something unexpectedly shocking is not deliberate whereas I went out of my way to assert that disgusting preference. It is still impure, and impurity is sin, and sin is sin, and so this Man of God is as much a sick fuck as I am. And he's casting stones? Please!

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