Sunday, March 16, 2008

The Ides of March

Yesterday was the Ides of March, but the tyrant Dick Cheney still lives, and no one has the guts of Brutus anymore. Oh, well. Yesterday was also the birthday of L. Ron Hubbard, the guy who invented a very high-tech closet for the likes of Tom Cruise and John Travolta, otherwise known as Scientology. Mr. Hubbard coined that word to mean the study of knowledge. Fuck Hubbard. There was already a word for that, "epistemology". Uneducated Wankers like Hubbard gave us mongrel neologisms like "quadrophonic". I assure my readers that I am no Nazi, but when it comes to compound derivatives from the glory that was Greece and the grandeur that was Rome, I insist upon ethnic purity. Either "quadrosonic" or "tetraphonic" or admit that you have no business meddling with Latin and Greek and just say "four-way sound" or shut up. And if you want to make a religion out of epistemology, convert to Cartesianism. It is every bit as gnostic, doesn't require you to read thousands of pages of schlocky science fiction, and is much cheaper. Of course, Cartesianism does not have hired drones to impregnate Katie Holmes to make us all believe that Tom Cruise is not gay. But you can't have such luxury with a very low overhead.

Anyway, to mark this momentous occasion there was a Scientology protest in University City yesterday afternoon. I joined it because I would really like to stomp on Scientology with spiked shoes. Scientology is an obvious racket as is Mormonism, and yet both are protected and tax exempted by our really stupid notion of Religious Freedom, one of those precious freedoms that makes the murder of ten year old Iraqi girls a tragic necessity.

Many of the protesters were wearing masks, and many of those were V for Vendetta masks, as if Scientology were not simply a cynical manipulation of religiosity and the self-help craze to bankrupt pathetic suckers but actually an oppressive tyranny that needs a second Gunpowder Plot to overthrow it. The original Gunpowder Plotters were all fierce Catholics. I like the idea. But the masks were not simply a sign of solidarity with Guy Fawkes or an expression of cinematic preference; they were also protection against the very real possibility of reprisal from the Scientology thugs. Scientology is known to photograph any who dare speak the truth about its evil and harass him with some trumped-up charge or, worse, murder him and then make the murder look like a suicide. I was not wearing a mask, and I was photographed alot, ostensibly by fellow protesters, but as with everything about Scientology, appearances can be deceiving. The people shooting me could very well have been infiltrators. After all, anyone could join the protest. I did.

Later that day I was accosted by three obviously underage girls who wanted me to give them change to satisfy a requirement of a scavenger hunt. As I gave one of the girls a token amount of two coppers, another girl took a picture of us. I thought nothing of it until a few minutes after they had traipsed away. And then it came to me. I'm gonna get busted for solicitation of a minor. Geez!

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