Sunday, March 16, 2008

The Gore Scenario

Pelosi today pretty much endorsed Obama today when she told George Stephanopoulos that the Democratic Candidate who has the most elected delegates going into the convention should be the nominee. Well, that will be Obama, unless Clinton wins every remaining state in a ludricrously lopsided landslide, and that won’t happen, unless, of course, Clinton fellates the CEO of Debold, which is not beyond the pale of Machiavellian possibilities. Clinton is, after all, a post-modern Lady Macbeth. For now, at least, it is a statistical certainty that Obama will maintain the lead in the delegate count, but that’s it.

It is also as certain that Obama will not reach the magic number needed for the nomination, and once that becomes excruciatingly clear after the first convention ballot, those so-called pledged delegates won’t be pledged any longer. All bets are off. Chaos will ensue, as the Clintons will be free to pillage and poach Obama’s delegates. The Great Equanimous One may at last have to resort to good old fashioned fisticuffs to defend them, thereby showing that he is indeed from Chicago after all. Perhaps the Dems could get Jerry Springer to mediate a mud wrestling match on the floor of the convention. Suffice it to say that it will be ugly, and everyone will stink.

This is why some are predicting that Al Gore will be the White Knight who saves the Democratic Party from cannibalizing itself on Prime Time TV. Isn’t Gore’s present silence a bit odd? Why hasn’t he endorsed anyone yet? The candidates are so desperate for each and every last delegate that they’ll wash down bad beer at superbowl parties with nebbishes like Bill Richardson for their endorsements. Gore is an Oscar-Nobel-winning megastar who won the popular vote in 2000. His endorsement would be worth at least two Oprahs, and yet we’ve not heard a peep from him for a very long time. Curious.

Gore is biding his time until the convention becomes 1968 all over again, this time inside. Clinton will have become as bitchy as Medusa that no one except, perhaps, Gloria Steinem will want anything to do with her, and all of Obama’s inspiring transcendent talk about uniting this country will be so much spilled snake oil over the rubble of an ignominious street fight.

Enter Gore, the man who will be truly above the fray because he chose to stay out of it and instead campaign to save the planet, if not the entire universe. It will be like the Parousia descending Mount Olive. The Obamamaniacs, disillusioned by the cynical carnage all around them, will be suffering acute hope withdrawal and will rush to Gore in mad desperation for another fix. And the Clintonistas, apart from, again, Gloria Steinem, wanted to vote for Gore anyway. It will be so dazzling and blinding that all of McCain’s support on the religious right may well be raptured.

The raptured can’t vote, and those Left Behind will give us President Albert Gore.

Well, I’ll be left behind, too, because I am Catholic, but I am not voting. I could give two shits about the farce we call American Democracy.

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