(Originally posted on my MySpace Weblog on October 16, 2006)
After much soul searching, praying, and reading my NIV study Bible, my Scofield Reference Bible, and my SDA Study Bible, I have come to the conclusion that Protestantism is the way to go. That's right I am becoming a Protestant. I am thoroughly convinced that Protestantism is true. But I have one small problem. While I know that Protestantism is true, I can't rightly tell which one is true. Will someone help me in this regard?
Is it the Protestantism that worships on Sunday, or is it the one that says Protestant Sunday worship is really crypto-Romanism and, thus, from the devil? May I join a denomination that does not use the King James Bible exclusively, or will the slightest deviation from the Authorized Version of 1611 put the worm of Satan into my ear and turn my soul into hellbound rot? What am I to think of the still raging dispute over free will? Is that merely a "secondary issue"? Well, Luther told Erasmus that it was the single most important issue. So, should I become a Lutheran then? Yeah, but most Lutherans now believe in free will. So, if I remain true to the guy, Luther, who brought us back to the Gospel after nearly 1,500 years of pagan captivity, should I then become a Calvinist? Oh, should I find a pre-trib, post-trib, or mid-trib worship service?
Is it okay if my congregation allows the concept of purgatory as a theological possibility? Or is that just beyond the pale of orthodoxy? By the way, what is the pale of orthodoxy? Is it anything Hank Hanegraaff says it is? Well, yes, I know it is what the Bible says, and I know that sola scriptura is true and all, but which one? Is it the one that denies paedobaptism or the one that allows it? Is it the one that preaches that Christ died only for the elect or that He died for all? The Evangelical right wing says the Bible preaches the sanctity of monogamous marriage, but David Koresh said the Bible gave him the right to have a harem of teenage girls. I'm kinda hoping that Koresh is right. Is he? How can you tell?
Do I just read the Bible and follow whatever I think it means? Is that the true Protestantism? Well, I am reading 1 Samuel 15 right now, and it is perspicuously clear to me that God hates the Amalekites. So, I am going to find some Amalekites and kill them for the glory of God. Wait, the Amalekites must know by now that God hates them, and so I just bet you that they, evil Spawn of Satan that they are, don't reveal their true identity. Okay, well, how can I know who's who? I can't. So, I might as well kill everyone--just to be sure. The elect I mistakenly kill will go to heaven anyway. So, it's no big deal.
It's so great to have a personal, idiosyncratic, completely private and individualistic relationship with our Lord. I feel that I am the only one who understands Him. I'm special.